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Tag: camouflage

This incredible camouflage for computer programmers and other office workers who snack at their desks will ensure that the dreaded mustard-on-white-shirt-before-crucial-meeting scenario is never repeated.

Background:

Camouflage is a useful tool for hiding something in a distracting pattern that it blends into.

Most frequently, camouflage is used to hide a person (for example, a hunter or soldier) in an environment where they would prefer not to be spotted.

shirt-camo

Fig 1: Traditional forest camouflage, used to hide from snakes, owls, and other woodland predators.

Proposal:

Camouflage can also be used by individuals who don’t actually need to hide themselves. For example, computer programmers can apply camouflage techniques to hide undesirable stains on regular clothing.

Figure 2, below, depicts one of the classic hazards of snacking at a desk:

cheez

Fig 2: The main hazard that sedentary computer workers face—the sudden and unexpected assault of artificial-cheese-flavored snacks. These can easily stain clothing in an obvious and unsightly fashion.

In order to avoid having the cheese-product assault become a career ending injury, we can apply camouflage techniques to the user’s clothing. Behold, the cheese-patterned cargo shorts (Fig 3)!

shorts-cheez-camo

Fig 3: These fashionable cargo shorts would most likely be advertised as “Cheeto-proof” or “Cheez-It-proof,” except that these are both trademark-protected brand names. Presumably the fallback name would be “artificial cheese product-proof cargo shorts.” This soon-to-be-ubiquitous pattern is the generic “woodland camo” of the high-tech office world.

Other camouflage patterns would also be available for non-cheese-product consumers (Figs 4, 5).

shirt-ketchup-camo

Fig 4: The “ketchup and mustard” variant protects against two of America’s favorite condiments. Essential for the hamburger connoisseur.

shirt-candy-camo

Fig 6: Other types of snack food would warrant different patterns. This example may protect against the colorful outside coating of M&Ms, Skittles, and a wide variety of other candies.

Conclusion:

You can create one of these today at any custom-shirt-printing company. Be sure to send royalties to this blog!

PROS: An elegant and fashionable solution to a classic problem.

CONS: Since these new patterns do not blend into the forest, you may be attacked by a snake or an owl if you wear them while traipsing through the woodlands.

 

 

Breaking news: You are a terrible pet owner if you don’t address your cat’s neuroses with the soothing safety of cat-patterned furniture

Background:

Although there are many counter-examples, cats are often unpredictable and frequently skittish. Here, we theorize that this neurotic pet behavior is due to the cat’s lack of feeling safe in the domestic environment, and propose a possible solution, which we refer to as CATMOUFLAGE.

The theory: Cats are skittish and unpredictable because they are stressed

This unsubstantiated theory posits that if the cat could feel safer, it would be happier and less stressed out.

One way to provide safety to a relatively small animal is to provide it with a hiding place.

This new system aims to provide safe cat-suitable spaces across an entire house, and works as follows:

  1. You take a picture of your cat (Fig. 1).
  2. You upload this picture on the “catmouflage” web site.
  3. From this same web site, you order a set of sofa covers, carpets, bedspreads, drapes, bathmats, etc. (Fig. 3).
  4. The experts at Catmouflage Inc. will then adapt your cat’s patterning and custom-print suitable furniture coverings that match your specific cat’s coloration (Fig. 4).
  5. Now your   cat can blend in to your carpet and favorite chair, which will allow it to feel secure and safe.

catmo-cat-arm

Fig 1: Some sort of mini-panther. Look how stressed it looks! Clearly it needs Catmouflage™. The customer will take a picture of it and then upload it to the Catmouflage web site.

catmo-blank

Fig 2: Next, the customer orders cat-patterned versions of the above furnishings.

catmo-cow

Fig 3: Finally, in 2 to 4 weeks, the new furnishings arrive. The cat can blend in and feel extremely secure in the indoor environment, just as it would have felt at home in the jungles and pyramids where its ancestors lived.

catmo-orange

Fig 4: An alternative color scheme for a person with a “Garfield”-colored cat.

Conclusion:

This detailed business plan is almost guaranteed to succeed.

PROS: Solves feline neuroses with this one weird tip.

CONS: May increase the frequency of accidentally sitting on your cat .