This incredible camouflage for computer programmers and other office workers who snack at their desks will ensure that the dreaded mustard-on-white-shirt-before-crucial-meeting scenario is never repeated.

Background:

Camouflage is a useful tool for hiding something in a distracting pattern that it blends into.

Most frequently, camouflage is used to hide a person (for example, a hunter or soldier) in an environment where they would prefer not to be spotted.

Fig 1: Traditional forest camouflage, used to hide from snakes, owls, and other woodland predators.

Proposal:

Camouflage can also be used by individuals who don’t actually need to hide themselves. For example, computer programmers can apply camouflage techniques to hide undesirable stains on regular clothing.

Figure 2, below, depicts one of the classic hazards of snacking at a desk:

Fig 2: The main hazard that sedentary computer workers face—the sudden and unexpected assault of artificial-cheese-flavored snacks. These can easily stain clothing in an obvious and unsightly fashion.

In order to avoid having the cheese-product assault become a career ending injury, we can apply camouflage techniques to the user’s clothing. Behold, the cheese-patterned cargo shorts (Fig 3)!

Fig 3: These fashionable cargo shorts would most likely be advertised as “Cheeto-proof” or “Cheez-It-proof,” except that these are both trademark-protected brand names. Presumably the fallback name would be “artificial cheese product-proof cargo shorts.” This soon-to-be-ubiquitous pattern is the generic “woodland camo” of the high-tech office world.

Other camouflage patterns would also be available for non-cheese-product consumers (Figs 4, 5).

Fig 4: The “ketchup and mustard” variant protects against two of America’s favorite condiments. Essential for the hamburger connoisseur.

Fig 6: Other types of snack food would warrant different patterns. This example may protect against the colorful outside coating of M&Ms, Skittles, and a wide variety of other candies.

Conclusion:

You can create one of these today at any custom-shirt-printing company. Be sure to send royalties to this blog!

PROS: An elegant and fashionable solution to a classic problem.

CONS: Since these new patterns do not blend into the forest, you may be attacked by a snake or an owl if you wear them while traipsing through the woodlands.