Worst Plans
Below: the 50 most recent worst plans. Updated every Monday since 2014!
- Are you worried that your ostrich or electric eel doesn’t have a healthy body weight? Help encourage health and fitness for animals by calculating their BMI (body mass index)!
- Have a flaky friend who doesn’t show up to scheduled activities on time? The refundable “social activity” deposit will fix your friendships!
- City zoning / un-permitted house remodeling “free-for-all” holiday: one day per year (A.K.A. “The Purge: Real Estate Edition”)
- Too few windows in your house? Resign yourself to cyberpunk dystopia and wear a VR headset at all times to solve this problem in the virtual world!
- VR for tourists: make even the most unfamiliar locations comfortable and familiar!
- Prevent GPS navigation mixups: rename every street to something unique!
- A cat door for people: a “people door,” if you will.
- “Emotion displacement“: replace negative emotions with raw terror or horror instead! The theory behind “chainsaw maniac therapy.”
- Stop the confusion caused by the “⇧” arrow meaning both “up” and “forwards”! Adopt these new symbols to usher in a new era of navigational prosperity!
- Trim the historical record to a manageable size by applying the same pruning algorithm used by Apple’s “Time Machine” backups.
- Birdwatchers rejoice: did you miss a sighting of the passenger pigeon (extinct 1914) or dodo (extinct 1681)? Thanks to modern technology, you now have a chance to fill out your birdwatching catalog to 100%!
- Avoid unpleasant memories on anniversaries of traumatic events by addressing the problem at its source—the calendar!
- Secretly donate money to family or friends without making them feel guilty! Or, even better, secretly RECEIVE money without feeling guilty about it!
- Prevent wage theft: To prevent companies from stealing tips from workers, use this system that GUARANTEES that workers will receive 0% of tips!
- You’ve heard of college sports, but what about college casinos and college mercenary corps? Thinking “outside the box“ provides new revenue sources for academia.
- Don’t be a “quitter” who pretends to forget unresolved grievances. Instead, reopen ancient historical feuds and promote endless war!
- Emoji keyboard: Replace your caps lock with an “emoji” modifier key. (Or, failing that, use this custom keyboard layout to type emoji just as easily as typing “#” or “&”!)
- Safety for motorcyclists (and bicyclists): provide an “intuitive” warning of your distance to other drivers with this brake-light-on-a-stick proposal!
- Have a hard time getting out of bed when it’s cold out? This heated dining table is just what you need!
- Bring back the “theater experience” to home cinema with a neglected element from classic movie theaters!
- Your home’s thermostat is too easy to use: add the requirement of adding “fire logs” to it in order to keep your house warm!
- Traditional finance is uninspiring: it’s possible to buy a bond or CD (“certificate of deposit”) that pays out a certain amount of interest every year. But there is no investment that will literally buy you a sandwich or coffee every day—until now, that is!
- Have trouble reading the emotions of a friend, family, or coworker? Just make that person glue some “emotion stickers” on their face!
- Increase property values—a priority of many voters—the easy way: through wanton destruction!!!
- Solve historical grievances and long-running feuds the easy way: erase history entirely using corporate-style “document retention policies.”
- You’ve been reading text wrong the whole time: turn your screen upside-down for the true “pro” approach to reading! Also: combine clickbait style counterintuitive suggestions (A.K.A. “everyone is wrong”) with REAL NEWS to improve current events knowledge.
- Did you miss a solar eclipse? Not anymore, thanks to these “eclipse any place, any time” sunglasses!
- How do real newspapers stack up against the mega-advertising TV from the movie Idiocracy (2006)? The answer will probably not surprise you!
- Decrease nationalistic war fever and promote peace between nations with a simple low-cost solution—fake maps!
- Get your plague doctor mask ready—it’s time for a revival of Traditional Western Medicine!
- Tech support for the truly dedicated: lug this Stone of Agony across the campus of a tech company in order to receive actual human tech support!
- The Pizza Delivery light: Put this in a window at home, and never miss an order again!
- United States territories have Emoji flags—but the states themselves don’t! In the meantime, which national flags can be repurposed as “close enough” U.S. state flags for text messaging?
- Stop devouring Halloween candy like a wild beast, thanks to this timer-based gumball machine candy dispenser!
- Simplify restaurant ordering: a new type of “fixed menu” where patrons can only be served the exact single dish listed at their table setting—no more menu confusion!
- Thanks… for nothing! Does your company have the rare “co-worker bonus,“ a way of rewarding employees? Maybe it also needs the “co-worker curse” to punish them!
- The secret that BIG DENTISTRY doesn’t want you to know: replace your dentist with a flock of birds today!
- Thanks to modern technology, the response “it’s a hair past a freckle” can now be an actual time, rather than just a flippant reply from a non-watch-wearing individual!
- Solve your astronomical woes by temporarily promoting Pluto (and other dwarf planets) back to Full Planet status! A limited time opportunity.
- Restore heroes to the modern world: the apotheosis of historical figures, cleared of all their misdeeds with this new “scapegoating” system!
- Verbs: Unnecessary. A simplified plan for English.
- Talk to digital assistants (like Siri, Alexa) using a new unique computer-only ”command language”! No more confusion!
- Normal white noise generators just make a soothing sound: this won’t help you acclimate to annoying sounds. You need a special “unbearable noise generator” to build up tolerance.
- Take a “day off” from social interaction and the obligations of fashion and presentability with this “snake bug” caterpillar suit.
- Stop being annoyed by someone using a cell phone while you watch a movie, thanks to these innovative “personal screen experience” goggles.
- Carve a backup of human knowledge into the Moon: a “moon-cyclopedia,” if you will.
- Increase the expressiveness of the English language by adding more alphabets for the exclusive use of specific types of dialogue (e.g. whispering, sarcasm).
- Change the names of automobiles to increase driving safety! Drivers of a “Chevrolet Croissant” are hypothesized to exhibit reduced frequency of road rage.
- Solve long-running historical international disputes in the most effective manner: by renaming the countries involved!
- Label your laptop ports so that you don’t have to scratch the side of your laptop like a wild beast every time you connect a USB cable!
WorstPlans: updated every Monday since July 2014! 