Breaking news: You are a terrible pet owner if you don’t address your cat’s neuroses with the soothing safety of cat-patterned furniture
Although there are many counter-examples, cats are often unpredictable and frequently skittish. Here, we theorize that this neurotic pet behavior is due to the cat’s lack of feeling safe in the domestic environment, and propose a possible solution, which we refer to as CATMOUFLAGE.
The theory: Cats are skittish and unpredictable because they are stressed
This unsubstantiated theory posits that if the cat could feel safer, it would be happier and less stressed out.
One way to provide safety to a relatively small animal is to provide it with a hiding place.
This new system aims to provide safe cat-suitable spaces across an entire house, and works as follows:
- You take a picture of your cat (Fig. 1).
- You upload this picture on the “catmouflage” web site.
- From this same web site, you order a set of sofa covers, carpets, bedspreads, drapes, bathmats, etc. (Fig. 3).
- The experts at Catmouflage Inc. will then adapt your cat’s patterning and custom-print suitable furniture coverings that match your specific cat’s coloration (Fig. 4).
- Now your cat can blend in to your carpet and favorite chair, which will allow it to feel secure and safe.
Fig 1: Some sort of mini-panther. Look how stressed it looks! Clearly it needs Catmouflage™. The customer will take a picture of it and then upload it to the Catmouflage web site.
Fig 2: Next, the customer orders cat-patterned versions of the above furnishings.
Fig 3: Finally, in 2 to 4 weeks, the new furnishings arrive. The cat can blend in and feel extremely secure in the indoor environment, just as it would have felt at home in the jungles and pyramids where its ancestors lived.
Fig 4: An alternative color scheme for a person with a “Garfield”-colored cat.
This detailed business plan is almost guaranteed to succeed.
PROS: Solves feline neuroses with this one weird tip.
CONS: May increase the frequency of accidentally sitting on your cat .