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Tag: cats love it

Breaking news: You are a terrible pet owner if you don’t address your cat’s neuroses with the soothing safety of cat-patterned furniture

Background:

Although there are many counter-examples, cats are often unpredictable and frequently skittish. Here, we theorize that this neurotic pet behavior is due to the cat’s lack of feeling safe in the domestic environment, and propose a possible solution, which we refer to as CATMOUFLAGE.

The theory: Cats are skittish and unpredictable because they are stressed

This unsubstantiated theory posits that if the cat could feel safer, it would be happier and less stressed out.

One way to provide safety to a relatively small animal is to provide it with a hiding place.

This new system aims to provide safe cat-suitable spaces across an entire house, and works as follows:

  1. You take a picture of your cat (Fig. 1).
  2. You upload this picture on the “catmouflage” web site.
  3. From this same web site, you order a set of sofa covers, carpets, bedspreads, drapes, bathmats, etc. (Fig. 3).
  4. The experts at Catmouflage Inc. will then adapt your cat’s patterning and custom-print suitable furniture coverings that match your specific cat’s coloration (Fig. 4).
  5. Now your   cat can blend in to your carpet and favorite chair, which will allow it to feel secure and safe.

catmo-cat-arm

Fig 1: Some sort of mini-panther. Look how stressed it looks! Clearly it needs Catmouflage™. The customer will take a picture of it and then upload it to the Catmouflage web site.

catmo-blank

Fig 2: Next, the customer orders cat-patterned versions of the above furnishings.

catmo-cow

Fig 3: Finally, in 2 to 4 weeks, the new furnishings arrive. The cat can blend in and feel extremely secure in the indoor environment, just as it would have felt at home in the jungles and pyramids where its ancestors lived.

catmo-orange

Fig 4: An alternative color scheme for a person with a “Garfield”-colored cat.

Conclusion:

This detailed business plan is almost guaranteed to succeed.

PROS: Solves feline neuroses with this one weird tip.

CONS: May increase the frequency of accidentally sitting on your cat .

7 Cats From the 80s That You Won’t Believe Where They Are Now (On Airplanes)

Background:

First: Somehow, there exists such a thing as a “Cat Cafe” (Wikipedia link). As the name implies, it’s a cafe with cats running amok inside.

Second: many people find air travel to be an annoying and stressful experience.

Proposal:

Cuddly animals frequently improve situations. In order to make air travel more pleasant (and profitable for the airline?), the Cat Cafe concept can be applied to air travel as well. We will refer to this as the “Cat Cafe Airline.”

Potential features of Cat Cafe Airline:

  • Each plane would be equipped with a menagerie of fluffy domesticated beasts.
  • These soothing animals would be allowed to wander about the plane.
  • First-class seats would have first pick, and would have exclusive access to giant cats like the Maine Coon and Longcat.

cat-cafe-overhead-bin-regular

Fig 1: A regular (cat-free) airline overhead bin is cold, sterile, and unwelcoming.

Methods of supplying cats to passengers:

  • One option would be to have a “cat cart” in addition to the normal coffee / lunch cart. Instead of specifying a preference for (say) coffee or tea, passengers would choose between siamese and calico.
  • Alternatively, cats could normally live in the overhead bins, and would only exit them while the plane was in flight (to make room for luggage). It is unclear if the cats’ sleeping schedule would easily align with the in-use flight time of the airplane.

cat-cafe-overhead-bin-with-cats

Fig 2: With dozens of cats inside, the airline overhead bin takes on a warmer and more welcoming appearance.

Other concerns:

  • People with cat allergies would obviously be advised not to book a flight on a “cat plane.”
  • In some cultures, animals such as pigs and dogs are considered “unclean” and anathema. It is possible that cats also have a bad rap in certain cultures, which might limit locations where these planes could fly.
  • With this many cats, cat fights might be inevitable. Fortunately, using their in-seat entertainment systems, passengers could bet on the outcome, and the airline could take a cut. This solves the problem without any heavy-handed cat regulation.

PROS : Opens up new business opportunities and soothes passengers on long-haul flights. No animals were harmed in the making of this proposal.

CONS: Cats might escape while a plane is grounded on an exotic unspoiled island, potentially soon exterminating all native life and becoming adorable apex predators.

Amazing new alternative to kenneling for pets will shock and amaze you. Freeze-a-pet™

The issue:

Pet ownership can sometimes be problematic in today’s mobile society.

For example: if a person has to leave on a business trip and doesn’t have friends or family to take care of their dog / cat / capybara / etc., they have to deal with the hassle of kenneling their treasured beast. This can be expensive for the owner and unpleasant for the animal in question!

Background:

There are some frogs that can apparently survive in a state of suspended animation at near-freezing temperatures.

Also, bears are known to hibernate for months in the winter.

The proposal:

A “Freeze-A-Pet” would be a regular pet, except that it can hibernate when exposed to cold temperatures.

Presumably this type of pet could be created using the same “insert frog DNA into animal” technology used to create the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park. Easy!

pet-1-unfrozenFig 1. A photorealistic rendering of a “freeze-a-pet”-compatible cat. Not pictured: frog DNA.

So if a person needs to go on out of town for a while, they just stick their pet into their freezer (or perhaps fridge), and the pet hibernates until the owner returns. Problem solved!

pet-2-frozenFig 2. Artist’s rendition of a freeze-a-pet in hibernation, Han-Solo-style.

In the event of a power outage, the fridge could be programmed to pop the door open and (optionally) send a text message and/or sound an audible alarm.

PROS: Makes pet ownership much more feasible for busy individuals.

CONS: The kennel lobby (“Big Kennel”) would probably oppose any development in this field, which might make it hard to find funding and avoid regulatory hurdles.