WorstPlans.com updates every Monday!

Your weekly source for terrible plans and ideas!

Category: Household

This amazing full-coverage home security system will prevent your home from burglary even if someone manages to get inside!

Background:

Residential homes are often protected from burglary by locked doors and locked windows (Figure 1), and occasionally by more substantial measures such as barred windows (Figure 2).

The issue:

However, none of that helps once an intruder breaches the perimeter of the home: once they’re inside, they are free to loot at their leisure—an unoccupied home has no further internal defenses.

Fig. 1: A cross-section of two rooms from a normal home.

Fig. 2: The traditional approach to home security is to defend the perimeter—here, we see the addition of barred windows. These can be helpful to make a home burglary-resistant, but may be a liability to the home’s residents in case of fire.

Proposal:

In order to make the inside of a home burglary-resistant without resorting to illegal booby traps, we can just create a security system that makes the interior of the home extremely unappealing to traverse.

One approach might be to have sliding metal dividers that can be raised out of the floor when all residents leave (Figure 3). This would make it nearly impossible to navigate the home while the system was armed, yet would not pose any threat to the residents in case of accidental deployment.

Fig. 3: These raise-able metal objects can telescope out of the floor when required (up to a height of, say, 3 to 5 feet), and can collapse back into the floor while not needed. If the lifting mechanism is sufficiently low power, it would even be safe to place these all over the house: even if a table / chair / person / etc was on top of one of these plus-shaped home-defense objects, that specific one would just remain in the floor even while the system was armed.

The metal-slat security system described in Figure 3 would be expensive to install, since it would require an elaborate floor mechanism. For home remodeling on a budget, see the simplified (but equally effective) proposal in Figure 4.

Fig. 4: As a cheaper but more potentially injurious alternative, giant spools of razor wire could be concealed in the walls. When the owner is away and the security system is armed, the razor wire would unspool and fill the room with deadly blades. On the owner’s return, the razor wire would coil back up, like an exceptionally dangerous tape measure. The only downside here would be if the system accidentally activated itself while you were taking a nap, and you woke up to discover your room filled with deadly razor wire. That would be a bummer!

Conclusion:

Next time you consult your architect for constructing a new mansion, make sure to keep these home-defense tips in mind.

PROS: Prevents thieves from stealing hundreds of dollars worth of televisions and cell phone chargers from your residence!

CONS: Might be over-complicated compared to the lower-tech version of just putting medieval portcullises between each room.

After fixing your home (thanks to this tip) you need no longer fear accidental “French Revolution”-style decapitation in your kitchen!

Background:

Most kitchens contain a countertop and overhead cabinets. The doors on these cabinets generally swing open.

The issue:

An unlucky individual may stand up underneath one of these open cabinet doors and injure themselves on the edge.

Although this situation may seem unlikely, it can arise when a person bends over to pick up something that has fallen onto the kitchen floor (Figure 1).


Fig. 1: This hapless kitchen dweller has forgotten that the kitchen cabinet is open, and has stood up directly into it. Ouch!

Proposal:

A few potential fixes are immediately obvious:

  1. Cabinet doors could be removed entirely. They are generally only there for aesthetic purposes anyway!
  2. Sliding doors could be used. However, this usually means that only half of the cabinets can be open at one time, and sliding doors have their own issues.
  3. The edges of each cabinet door could be padded with foam. This would reduce cabinet-collision injury.
  4. Each cabinet door could be constructed out of gingerbread, so that it would safely crumble away upon contact with a person’s head.

Each of these fixes has some downsides. But the ultimate solution is both durable and visually indistinguishable from a regular cabinet: a “multi-panel safety door” in which multiple pieces of wood are loosely connected by springs (Figure 2).

If a person hits their head one one of the panels, they’ll just feel a slight amount of force as the spring compresses (and the piece of wood is pushed out of the way).


Fig. 2: A) The “multi-panel ‘safety’ door” is outwardly identical to a regular cabinet door. B) This “X-ray” view of the safety door shows that it is actually four separate pieces connected by springs: a “primary” part in the top left (red / brown) and three separate wooden edge pieces (blue and green). These edge pieces are loosely connected: if a person hits their head on the edge, the force will compress the springs a bit (and the edge piece will move inward), but the person will not be decapitated.

Conclusion:

After I patent this idea, you should amend your city’s residential building code to mandate this style of cabinet door. It’s the only safe option!

PROS: Reduces accidental kitchen decapitations, thus saving health care costs.

CONS: These complicated doors would probably require occasional maintenance.

Yet another incredible technological development in dining utensils, the “clockwork wind-up fork” is a practical diet aid and not just a bizarre steampunk-themed hallucination!

Background:

Diet fads come and go, but most have at least one element in common: the requirement that individuals be deliberate about what they eat (rather than ravenously consuming everything like a starved beast).

The issue:

Unfortunately, it’s difficult to have self-control when food is delicious and plentiful.

Thus, most people eat larger portions of food than they really would if they ate a bit slower (as has been discussed previously).

Proposal:

To encourage people to stop eating before they are absolutely 100% full, the following technical solution is devised: “clockwork utensils” that change shape over time (thanks to a spring inside).

This spring must be wound up before use: then, over the course of a few minutes, it unwinds and turns the normal utensil into a bizarrely barely-useable piece of abstract art (see Figure 1 and Figure 2).

 

1-difficult-fork.png

Fig. 1: A) a normal fork. B) The “wind-up fork”—when fully wound-up (using a wind-up key like you might see on a toy car or an old clock)—behaves like any ordinary fork. However, as the internal spring unwinds over time, the fork “fans out” and becomes more difficult to use, as seen in part C. Thus, as the meal progresses, the user must become more deliberate about using the fork.

2-collapsing-spoon.png

Fig. 2: A) A normal spoon. B) The “wind-up spoon” consists of a number of overlapping metal slats (numbered 1 through 7 here). When they are all deployed, as in part B, they approximate a normal fork. C) After the internal spring has partially unwound, some of the slats will have been pulled toward the handle. By the time the spring has fully unwound, the spoon will be virtually useless!

Conclusion:

Instead of buying a new set of silverware, you should put that money towards funding a manufacturing project to create the utensils describe above!

PROS: Could reduce over-eating!

CONS: May promote binge eating. It may also be difficult to wash the tiny mechanical parts of such a utensil.

Make your dinners an ordeal of aggravation and regret! The new incredible trick to losing weight without even trying!

Background:

It has been demonstrated that people tend to over-eat in situations in which they can quickly consume a meal.

If a person has to consume a meal more slowly, they will (generally) realize that they are full and eat less.

The issue:

Unfortunately, in today’s decadent world, nearly every meal can be quickly devoured.

Proposal:

In order to reduce over-eating, we will borrow an idea that already exists for dog bowls. Specifically, certain “spiral dog food bowls” have a rim that curves all the way into the center of the bowl (Figure 1). This creates a raised edge that makes it harder for a dog to quickly wolf down the bowl’s contents—the spiral gets in the way.

Thus, the dog spends extra time and effort to get to the delicious food.

3-header-image

Fig. 1: Top: dog bowls already exist in this spiral form factor. So why not adapt the same idea for humans? Bottom: the combination of chopsticks (instead of a spoon / fork / small shovel) and the strangely-shaped bowl should result in a meal that takes much longer to eat.

The spiral bowl above is a good start, but there’s really no limit to how intricate and annoying a dinner plate can become (Figure 2).

2-multi-level-dishes.png

Fig. 2: This extremely inconvenient multi-level plate has an arrangement of wire “fences” defending the food. This means that every bite of food requires navigating a dinner-themed wire labyrinth.

Conclusion:

Throw all your current dishes in the trash where they belong—upgrade to this new health-conscious system today!

Hypothetically, this might qualify for reimbursement through your medical insurance! Who knows!

PROS: Reduces over-eating, improves national health, and saves the health care system billions of dollars a year.

CONS: These strange plates would probably be difficult to load into a dishwasher.

With this new “dynamically uncomfortable” mattress technology, you’ll WANT to get out of bed in the morning! Become more productive and never have trouble waking up on time!

The issue:

Sometimes, it’s hard to get out of a comfy bed and face the cruel and merciless world.

Proposal:

We can solve this problem by making a bed that becomes progressively less comfortable as the desired wakeup time arrives.

Certain mattresses already have the ability to dynamically adjust their firmness (for example, the “Sleep Number” brand of air mattresses).

For this “progressively less comfortable mattress” system, we’ll need to go beyond just air mattresses: the bed will need an adjustable interior frame that can become jagged and angular (Figure 1), thus encouraging the bed’s occupant to get up.

1-uncomfortable-bed-spring-settings.png

Fig. 1: Left: the mattress in its default “comfortable” state, where the springs all behave identically. Right: the mattress in “uncomfortable” mode, where a hydraulic mechanism stretches out some springs (shown in blue) and compresses others (shown in red) to make the mattress surface extremely lumpy and uncomfortable. As a result, it will be a relief to get out this horrendously uncomfortable bed even in the coldest and darkest of winter mornings.

The bed would also need an “alarm clock” function in order to cause the comfort level to be set by the time of day.

One could imagine also integrating other “smart health” functions and perhaps controlling the mattress settings via smartphone app (which will inevitably be discontinued within 2 years, leaving the whole system completely useless).

Conclusion:

This technology could also be implemented for futons, sofas, and other similar furniture.

So much effort has been expended on making sofas and beds more comfortable: perhaps it is time for more research to go into making them less comfortable. Really makes you think.

PROS: Increases productivity and makes it easier to be a “morning person.”

CONS: Might potentially stretch out the sheets in a weird fashion, causing them to fray more quickly.

Make microwaving even easier with a synchronized-turntable solution that prevents you from ever having to reach all the way into the back of the microwave to get your reheated beverage! The true chef’s choice.

Background:

The microwave oven is an amazing boon for the diligent cook and lazy food-seeker alike.

Sure, a microwave can heat something up in almost no time, with no open flame and using very little energy, but could it be even more convenient?

The answer is yes.

The issue:

Most modern microwaves contain a turntable, which allows food to be heated more evenly (Figure 1).

Unfortunately, there is a horrendous downside to this turntable: when a user puts an object in the microwave (such as a cold coffee), they tend to place it on the “near” side of the turntable (close to themselves)—but the rotation of the turntable may cause the object to end up on the far side of the turntable at the end of the elapsed microwaving time.

Now the user will have to reach all the way into the microwave to retrieve their warmed-up beverage.

1-turntable-microwave.png

Fig. 1: The turntable feature allows food to be more evenly heated as it is subjected to the microwave’s deadly science fiction cooking rays.

Proposal:

This is a simple software-only fix: the turntable rotation speed should be synchronized to the total cooking time so that the turntable will have moved back to the starting position when the timer finishes.

E.g. a 40-second timer could result in a turntable speed of one rotation per 20 seconds, while a 30-second timer would require one rotation every 15 seconds.

Figure 2 illustrates the benefits of this new system.

2-turntable-optimized.png

Fig. 2: In a traditional microwave, the resulting position of the coffee mug is anyone’s guess (it could be FAR (top right) or NEAR (bottom right)). But in the new and improved “ultra convenient synchronized turntable microwave,” the mug is guaranteed to return to its starting position (unless you open the microwave before the timer goes off).

Conclusion:

This is the next differentiator for high-end microwaves. You saw it here first!

PROS: Makes cooking even more decadent.

CONS: Does not work if you open the microwave early.

 

 

 

Home delivery of food directly to a refrigerator is apparently a thing now. But what if there was ALSO a socially-responsible service to get rid of almost-spoiled food (while it’s still good)?

Background:

As civilization reaches an apex of decadence not seen since the days of Caligula, new and exotic labor-saving schemes have arisen.

Specifically, you may soon be able to order food directly to your refrigerator, thus saving you from having to be present for delivery. Deluxe!

The issue:

While the process of delivering food directly to a home has been substantially streamlined, there is not yet a great way of getting rid of unwanted (but still good) food on a small scale [1].

([1] If you have 5000 apples that you don’t want, you can give them to a food bank. If you have five apples, the logistics involved in transporting those apples means that they will probably end up going into the compost instead.)

Proposal:

The solution is to apply the same technique used in the in-home-delivery service, but in reverse.

In the “normal delivery” situation, a delivery person gains access to your house temporarily in order to bring in a package (e.g. “Amazon Key”).

But in the proposed “reverse delivery” situation, you temporarily give access to your house to someone who is in the neighborhood and really would love to eat a free food item that is about to expire.

It would probably be too labor-intensive to require a human to constantly monitor their kitchen for almost-spoiled items, which is why a computer-vision-aided system (Figure 1) is also proposed.

1-scanner.png

Fig. 1: This electric eye is constantly scanning for fruit spoilage in the fruit bowl on your kitchen counter. It should be able to give a readout of the approximate number of days remaining before each piece of fruit is no longer edible.

Once a nearly-spoiled piece of food is located, the system would automatically unlock your front door by communicating with a WiFi-enabled “smart lock” (Figure 2) and notify passers-by that there is free food for the taking.

2-opens-door.png

Fig. 2: The presence of nearly-spoiled food causes the system to unlock the front door and to send out a proximity-based alert to nearby individuals who may want this free slightly-over-ripe banana. The notification could be done though a phone app or by proximity-based SMS alerts.

PROS: Helps reduce food waste and provides yet another motivation for installing home automation.

CONS: None! Brings the “sharing economy” to your kitchen!

Evade pesky zoning laws with this one new scheme that lets you (maybe) turn a commercial building into a personal residence!

Background:

In order to support technological progress, many people are willing to endure great hardships.

The issue:

For example, most Americans are willing to drive for 30–60 minutes every day on their commute, just so that they can help create a market for new types of transportation [*].

One might imagine that a person in the hour-long-commute situation would just move closer to their job, but local zoning restrictions (Figure 1) often make this impossible.

[*] For example, the car, the diesel car, the hybrid car, the electric car, the “ride-sharing” car (actually just a taxi connected to a phone app), and the elusive and currently-hypothetical “self-driving” car.

1-zoning.png

Fig. 1: In the city map above, red areas are commercially zoned, and purple ares are residentially zoned. There is often a long travel distance to get between zones. (Real zoning is presumably more complex than “residential” vs “commercial,” but 95% of the author’s knowledge here comes from SimCity, so give me a break, man.)

Proposal:

Here are two proposed ways to help people live closer to their jobs:

  • Start a new “night watchman training” business with extremely comfortable suspiciously-apartment-sized rooms, and charge people a rent-sized amount of money for on-the-job training / courses for students. (If the students somehow fail to stay awake, they can just keep paying for the course as long as they want.)
  • Start a “sleep study clinic” (Figure 2). Normally, this is a legitimate business that diagnoses sleep apnea and other issues. Our modified version would be similar, but cheaper to set up, since it would not require any expensive medical equipment: in fact, the only piece of equipment supplied is a 5-dollar stopwatch (included with the apartment). When a resident is about to go to sleep, they can start the stopwatch, and when they wake up, they will have a vague idea of how long they were asleep. Naturally, this would be a paid service (costing about the same as the prevailing rent in the local neighborhood).

 

2-sleep-study-inc.png

Fig. 2: By converting this building from a traditional office to a “sleep study clinic,” it will be completely non-suspicious to see a bunch of rooms that look like furnished apartments, occupied by residents who stay there overnight.

Conclusion:

This is a plan that some developer should definitely try, just to see what happens.

PROS: Might help people rethink their established notions of what a “normal” commute should be.

CONS: Some overzealous “spirit of the law, not the letter of the law” lawyers and city council members would definitely put an end to a scheme like this. Also you might go to prison and/or owe somebody a bunch of money in fines.

Improve the grocery shopping experience by tapping into ancient hunter-gatherer instincts! You’ll never believe how much more delicious a pineapple is after you’ve tracked and hunted it for miles through the savannah.

Background:

It’s well-known that presentation affects the perceived taste of food (Figure 1). Can this be used by retailers to increase customer satisfaction?

 

1-snake-rating

Fig. 1: Some animals, like this extremely picky snake, do not like to eat food unless it’s clearly fresh (i.e., recently alive). Top: the dead mouse meal receives only a 1-star review from the snake. Bottom: the same mouse receives a 5-star rating, simply because it’s moving.

Proposal:

In order to leverage the same instincts, we propose that all foods should be presented in grocery stores in a “natural” environment to satisfy human hunter-gatherer instincts.

In Figure 2, we show how this might work for a pineapple, which can either be shown in a sterile and unnatural environment or in a jungle-like environment that evokes the thrill of gathering an edible fruit in some ancestral jungle.

2-pineapple

Fig. 2: This savvy shopper is unimpressed by the non-moving pineapple, yet is excited about purchasing the exact same pineapple “straight from the tree.” This might work for other foods too, like carrots and potatoes, even though it would make no sense for them to be dangling from a tree branch.

Conclusion:

Although fruits would be the easiest products to put in a faux “natural” environment (just hang them from a plastic tree), this system could also apply to other products, such as:

  • Reach into a giant beehive while being attacked by giant plastic bees in order to obtain a box of Honey Nut Cheerios.
  • Run through the store chasing a box being pulled by a wire on an overhead track. Once you manage to grab the box and open it, you discover a delicious steak inside.
  • Hold your breath and jump into a Olympic-sized swimming pool that is chilled to a near-freezing 1º Celsius. At the bottom of the pool, you will find a treasure trove of pre-wrapped packages of salmon.

PROS: Allows humans to get back in touch with their ancient roots. Simulates a pre-civilization existence without modern amenities.

CONS: Most shoppers would probably just use an app-based service to pay “sharing economy” workers to endure the bee hives and freezing water. This has the disadvantage of making an already-harsh job even worse, while imparting no benefits on society as a whole.

Trash Can with an alarm that screams if you jenga more trash into it

TITLE: Never be annoyed when emptying an over-full trash can again, with this new “screaming trash can” technology!

The Issue:

In shared-living or office situations, there is a strong incentive to wait for someone else to empty a full garbage can: the person who discards the last piece of trash has only contributed a tiny fraction of the total can’s volume, but has to expend the trash-removal effort for the entire can.

Thus, people tend to creatively stack trash as high as possible (Figure 1), forming a “Jenga“-like tower of precariously-balanced trash.

2-over-full.png

Fig. 1: People will often stack trash in unstable towers, as shown here, even if the stacked trash prevents the lid from closing.

Even worse, once trash is piled up in a tower, it can be difficult to fit it all into the trash bag (which makes it even less likely that someone will want to take it out).

Proposal:

The solution is simple: install a grid of “electric eyes” (the laser grids from every heist movie) that would monitor the top level of the trash can (Figure 2).

If the electric-eye beam is blocked for more than a few seconds, the trash can would know that the trash can needed to be emptied, and can take action accordingly.

3-electric-eyes.png

Fig. 2: The grid of sensor beams (labeled “electric eyes”) will, if blocked for more than a few seconds, trigger the “siren of shame” (bottom left). Instead of allowing the culprit to slink away in anonymity, the siren would wail until the trash-abandoner returned to take out the trash.

Gamification:

One could “gamify” the process (and help promote a dystopian 1984-esque future) with a trash can that would 1) have a camera to identify each user and 2) a weight sensor to keep track of the total amount of trash generated and emptied by that person. Perhaps stat tracking would encourage trash-can-emptying. Whether or not it actually helps, the manufacturer of such a trash can could always sell the face recognition data to advertisers and each country’s secret police, so it’s a win-win situation.

PROS: This would be a popular product for many homes and offices.

CONS: Creative individuals might be able to place trash in creative ways such that it does not obstruct the beams, but is still precariously stacked.