Stop living in barbaric savagery with the English words “left” and “right.” Ascend to the next level of consciousness and realize your new potential with this new secret wisdom only for the most enlightened individuals.

by worstideas

The issue:

People often confuse the directions “left” and “right.”

Additionally, “right” can additionally mean “correct,” which leads to the exchange:

  • “Should I turn left here?”
  • “Right.”

This is stupid and must be fixed if English is going to remain competitive with the world’s top languages, like Esperanto (Figure 1) and Loglan.

 

esperanto-even-has-a-flag.png

Fig. 1: Whoa, Esperanto has its own flag, it must be pretty popular!

1-LR

Fig. 2: These words are bad for indicating directions. If you use them, please take a moment to feel bad about it.

Proposal:

Instead of using random words like “left” or “right,” let’s use some words that inherently have left-right properties to them.

In English, the alphabet always comes in this order

  • A B C D … W X Y Z

The leftmost letter (or a similar word) can be the new word for “left,” and likewise with the rightmost letter.

So “left” becomes can become “Aa,” which is actually already a Scrabble word (among other options, this one: Aa). It could be pronounced either with the a in “bat” (aa-aa) or the a in “law” (ah-ah). Or a combination, like “aa-ah.”

“Right” will then become “Zz,” which is, obviously, pronounced “zi-zuh,” as if you extended the end of the word “pizza.”

2-AZ

Fig. 3: “Ah-ah” / “Aa-aa” and “zi-zuh” are inherently superior to “left” and “right.”

Alternative option:

An alternative option would be to pick a multi-syllabic word that everyone knows, and use the left part of that word as “left” and the right part of that word as “right.”

Plenty of words would be suitable, but here are two proposals (Figures 4 and 5):

3-alfa

Fig. 4: “Alfa” or “alpha” for left and “bet” or “beta” for right might be acceptable and easy to remember.

 

4-aardvark

Fig. 5: The best word is clearly “aardvark,” which splits cleanly into “aard” and “vark.” These new words have the advantage of being extremely distinct from each other and not colliding with any existing English words.

See how difficult this ORIGINAL English exchange is:

  • DRIVER: “Should I turn left at the next intersection?”
  • PASSENGER: “Right. Then once there’s no road left, right.”

Q: Which way should the car go? But see how much clearer it becomes with our new and improved words:

  • DRIVER: “Should I turn aard at the next intersection?”
  • PASSENGER: “Right. Then once there’s no road left, vark.”

PROS: Totally unambiguous directions will now be possible, saving millions of car crashes and disasters every day.

CONS: Some old-fashioned users of “left” and “right” would need to be mercilessly ridiculed until they adopted this new system.