Outrun a vicious pack of wild dogs as part of your weekly exercise routine! You won’t believe this new way to save money and promote physical fitness!

Background:

Two things that city-dwellers often require are:

  • Motivation to exercise.
  • An expensive dog-walker to walk their dog.

The issue:

Unfortunately, it’s easy to become lazy and not exercise, and dog-walkers are quite pricey! (Figure 1.)

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Fig. 1: Left: these dogs need to walk, but someone is going to have to be paid to put leashes on them and walk them around the city. What an inefficient use of resources! Right: this person needs to get some exercise (by, say, jogging), but it’s easier to just stay at home and be completely sedentary.

Fortunately, these two modern conundrums can now be solved with a SINGLE amazing plan!

Proposal:

The solution is simple: during the commute home from work, the person who thinks they should go jogging (but is too lazy to motivate themselves to do so) simply ties a dozen or so strips of bacon (or other delicious meats) to themselves.

Then, they register their commute on a ride-sharing-like web site. As the commuter walks by a dog owner’s house, the dog owner gets a text message that they should release their hounds, who will then chase the bacon-laden jogger with single-minded determination. (Figure 2.)

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Fig. 2: The pack of dogs provides ample motivation for this bacon-festooned jogger to continue running.

In this way, the pack of ravenous dogs will motivate the jogger very effectively. If the dogs are sufficiently fixated on the bacon, no leashes would even be required!

Conclusion:

The only downside is that the jogger will, at the end of their commute, need to somehow return the dogs to their owners. Fortunately, this will create a new business opportunity for an “Uber for dogs” ride-sharing company to return the dogs back to their owner: job-creation at its finest!

PROS: Increases fitness of both humans and dogs. Saves money for dog owners who previously had to employ dog-walkers.

CONS: May increase the rate of pack-of-wild-dogs-related dismemberments, which is currently at a historical low in urban areas.

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Supplemental Fig. S1: Original black-and-white drawing of this idea, perhaps for a patent application. Note the photorealistic dog at left, drawn in the style of Renaissance woodcuts. It’s hard to believe, but this was actually drawn on a modern tablet computer!