Computer troubles? Turn to an the ancient ways of our ancestors: use magical rituals to improve your WiFi signal, restore your files from a backup, and more!

Background:

In today’s allegedly modern world, when people encounter technical problems with their computers, they usually either check for a solution on the Internet or instantly give up in frustration.

What they DO NOT typically do is begin a magical ritual to placate the angry spirits! This is surprising, as, for, thousands of years, humans have turned to shamanistic magic and mystical rites whenever baffling problems have arisen (plague, pestilence, bad cell phone reception, etc.).

Proposal:

Perhaps what is needed is a book of standard magical spells to fix common computer issues. Perhaps such a book could be patterned after these surprisingly detailed lists of demons (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_demons_in_the_Ars_Goetia) and angels (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shem_HaMephorash) from the 1500s, except that instead of listing 50 demons, it would list 50 problems a person could have with a USB cable.

We could imagine each ritual being something specific, like “help me fix a bad WiFi signal” (Figure 1) or “help me restore a file from a cloud backup” (Figure 2).

Fig. 1: To improve WiFi signal, the ritual practitioner must draw two concentric squares and then draw the WiFi symbol in the middle. They must then place three completely new candles at the perimeter of the symbol and allow them to burn down exactly one inch. The user must chant their WiFi password while the candles burn down. If the ritual is successful, the petitioner is guaranteed at least 3 out of 5 bars of WiFi signal.

Fig. 2: This “cloud backup restore” symbol may help a user when restoring a file from a cloud backup. While the backup is in progress, the symbol must be drawn in chalk on the destination hard drive, with the progress bar being drawn exactly as it is currently shown in the “restore file” window. If this ritual is conducted properly it will guarantee that the file is restored properly with no corruption.

Here are some other suggestions:

Fig. 3: This “5 bars of cell service” ritual must be drawn in salt (indicated in the purple markings) and pepper (the red markings) on a flat sheet of papyrus. After drawing it, the user must say “I, __user__, pledge my unwavering loyalty to __cell_phone_service_provider_here__,” and then blow the salt and pepper off the sheet. If the user is able to use fewer than five breaths to clear off the salt and pepper, their signal strength will be increased by at least one bar.

Fig. 4: The “magically provide my confirmation code by SMS message” symbol is a lifesaver when a user needs a text message confirmation code but doesn’t have access to their cell phone. It is used as follows: first, the user tries to log into a web site where they have turned on two-factor authentication. Second: the user must carve this symbol onto a tree and speak the full URL of the site they’re trying to log into aloud. If the ritual is successful, the confirmation code numbers will magically appear in the rectangles shown above.

Conclusion:

There’s really no limit to the number of problems a user may have with a computer, so there’s a nearly unlimited space to come up with more magic rituals.

Since magic rituals are not generally A/B tested (or otherwise subjected to any sort of scientific method / quality control process), it’s OK to come up with a new ritual without testing it first.

PROS: Helps users take control of their increasingly-technically-complicated lives!

CONS: Incorrect use of these rituals may summon vengeful computer spirits.

Originally published 2025-03-10.