One guaranteed way to prevent your bike from ever being stolen
Bike theft is a common crime that rarely results in negative consequences for the thief.
It would be less common if there were a clear downside to stealing a bike.
In a “let the punishment fit the crime” frame of mind, let us imagine that a bike thief is apprehended.
Instead of clogging up the wheels of justice with this individual, perhaps a superior solution would be to simply use a bike lock to secure the thief to the location from which the bike was stolen, for an appropriate period of time.
Additional irony could be supplied by securing the bike thief using the same model of lock that was originally used to secure the bike.
PROS: Probably would deter bike thefts. Presumably a thief could always “opt out” of this unusual-and-possibly-cruel punishment and take the fine and/or jail time instead.
CONS: Since the thief would occupy at least one bike rack spot, available bike parking would be slightly reduced.
P.S. The guaranteed way to prevent your bike from being stolen is to melt it into a solid cube and put it into a safe-deposit box.