Change the names of automobiles to increase driving safety! Drivers of a “Chevrolet Croissant” are hypothesized to exhibit reduced frequency of road rage.

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Background:

Automobile names come in many categories: some are whimsical (e.g. “Ford Fiesta,” “Fiat Panda,” “AMC Gremlin”), while sports cars are often named more “professionally” (“BMW 507“) or aggressively (“Dodge Viper,” “AC Cobra,” “Lamborghini Diablo”).

The Issue:

Maybe the name of the car influences the behavior of the driver. Consider how the following (sadly not real) names might influence their drivers:

  • The 2009 Pontiac Rolling Stop
  • The 1999 Oldsmobile Infinite Speed
  • The 1989 Plymouth Police Chase

Similarly, is it the case that the driver of a “viper” or “cobra” would subliminally exhibit more snake-like behavior? This could be a problem, as snakes are not known for safe driving.

Proposal:

Let’s assume without any evidence that the hypothesis above is true. Next, we’ll encourage responsible driving by giving cars sophisticated-yet-fragile names, such as:

  • Chevrolet Croissant
  • Ford Panini
  • Ferrari Fabergé Egg
  • Lamborghini Frittata
  • GMC Cinnamon Roll
  • Dodge Soufflé
  • Toyota Macaroon
Fig. 1: These “more delicate” car names should encourage drivers to be courteous, classy, and protective of their fragile vehicle.

Fig. 2: An AI-generated suggestion of what a “croissant themed reflective car logo” would look like. It could use a few more rounds of iteration.

Conclusion:

We could also name cars with things that people might want to remember, like the “Ford Check Your Fire Alarm Annually” (which could improve national fire safety) or the “Toyota Kentucky’s Capital is Frankfort” (which could improve pub trivia performance).

Since car names are essentially arbitrary, there is no downside to naming cars in this fashion. This could be the next trend in the automotive market!

PROS: Could encourage more responsible driving.

CONS: By reducing the representation of various snakes and other dangerous animals in car names, it could lead people to forget that these animals exist at all. Then, someone would encounter a snake and be like “hmm, what’s this, I’d better poke it with a stick,” which would not have happened if they’d learned about dangerous snakes when they saw a Dodge Viper in a parking lot once.