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Tag: Diet

New fad diet that allows you to eat ANYTHING YOU WANT! But there’s a terrible price to be paid. Steel yourself against the most appalling horrors of existence before reading further.

Background:

Even the most un-choosy eater cares at least somewhat about the visual appearance of food. A food item that looks “off” somehow will trigger a natural aversion to spoiled food.

Proposal:

This aversion to bizarre looking food can be used to help people maintain a healthy diet!

The process is as follows: certain foods that are especially high in calories can be modified with food coloring to look completely disgusting.

So for example, we could have french fries that are dyed a dark purple, or a piece of white bread that has been dyed gray.

cheese-rice

Fig. 1: Food that looks “off” (maybe it’s the wrong color, or has a disgusting oily sheen to it) will be less likely to be immediately devoured without a thought.

 

hamburger

Fig. 2: Restaurants can also help out by modifying their food. Instead of a normal delicious-looking hamburger and fries, here we have a strange dyed monstrosity. Maybe more people will order a salad now. (In order to prevent the salad from being equally caloric, the dressing would have to be dyed as well.)

Conclusion:

This is the ultimate culinary tip for the discerning gourmet.

PROS: Extremely low-cost, helps deter over-eating.

CONS: Does not work in low-light conditions (for example, when ordering food at a movie theater).

With this amazing new conveyor belt diet, YOU TOO can lose weight without any pain! Don’t listen to all those other fad diets—this one is here to stay.

TITLE: With this amazing new conveyor belt diet, YOU TOO can lose weight without any pain! Don’t listen to all those other fad diets—this one is here to stay.

Background:

Losing weight is difficult, due to the amazing variety of instantly-accessible food options in the modern world.

But the same technology that creates a surplus of food can also be harnessed to keep you on a healthy diet!

The issue:

Most diets require a significant commitment from the dieter in order to succeed.

And many fad diets are actively harmful due to their bizarre combination of food sources, which may lack essential nutrients.

But with the following conveyor belt diet plan, anyone can maintain the perfect balanced diet with no effort whatsoever!

Proposal:

The diet plan works as follows:

Your main food sources at home and at work (for example, a refrigerator at home, perhaps a deli or vending machine at work) are replaced by a large industrial conveyor belt and a hopper, in which a balanced diet of food is loaded.

Every week, the hopper is refilled with a healthy mix of food for the individual(s) in question. This food is slowly dispensed onto the slow-moving conveyor belt. Any food on the conveyor belt is fair game for the dieter to eat. If the dieter isn’t hungry, they can just let food accumulate on the long conveyor belt until they are hungry enough to devour it all.

conveyor-food

Fig 1: Top: transparent (green glass, in this diagram) hopper with food loaded in it. Bottom: the conveyor belt. Food is dropped onto it from the hopper at specific predefined intervals. In the full production model, the conveyor belt would be dramatically longer, to allow more food to accumulate on it. The belt would move very slowly—perhaps only one food per hour, or less (just enough to keep dispensed food items from overlapping).

Conclusion:

This is a way for anyone to maintain their ideal diet with no effort whatsoever!

PROS: Will improve health and well-being of all individuals.

CONS: Hungry dieters might try to claw ineffectually at the reinforced glass of the food dispenser, leading to potential finger injuries.

 

 

Incredible secret to lose weight FOR FREE—doctors hate it!

Background:

Food is delicious, and in the past, the main threat to survival was starvation rather than over-eating.

But, times have changed!

Historically proven method

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Now, almost everyone gets fat. How can this issue be solved without hiring an unyielding personal trainer and chef for every single person?

Proposal:

One way to solve this problem would also be extremely profitable for the company who made it happen. For a small initial fee, this company would go into a person’s house and remove the person’s microwave, fridge, and any food-preparation or food-storage items. The pantries and cabinets would be filled up with sandbags and discarded peanut shells.

fridge

Fig 1: The fridge would be removed from the dieter’s house.

Next, a vending machine would be installed in the house, where the fridge used to be. This would be the person’s only source of food (unless they happened to live very close to a restaurant or cheated in some other way).

vending

Fig 2: The vending machine has now replaced the entire kitchen in the house of the dieter.

This vending machine would sell healthy and low-calorie items at low cost, and more appealing items at a very high cost. This would supplement the dieter’s willpower; not only would they have to just overcome their desire to lose weight in order to eat an unhealthy food item, but they would also have to insert (say) ten dollars into the vending machine for a slice of pizza. (We will assume there is a heating element that could reheat the pizza on demand.) This additional financial punishment might help keep people stay on their diet plan when they would otherwise have strayed.

Conclusion:

Now the user can lose weight and switch to a healthier diet more easily, while the program that installed the vending machines can profit from momentary lapses in self-control.

PROS: Helps reduce obesity-related diseases and reduce overall national medical expenses. Increases life expectancy and quality-adjusted life years.

CONS: None!