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Exercise self-control and never wantonly snack again with this amazing new home design tip! Your kitchen will thank you.

Background:

When a fully-stocked kitchen is just one room away from you, it’s really easy to constantly snack at non-officially-sanctioned mealtimes.

The issue:

But the tyranny of prescribed mealtimes must be obeyed if one is to avoid eventually becoming completely spherical (due to being completely full of delicious snacks).

cake

Fig 1: A delicious snack in your kitchen. Devour it like a wild beast!!!!!!!

In ancient times, our ancestors had no trouble avoiding constantly eating delicious snacks, because 1) snacks did not exist and 2) they would have to kill a woolly mammoth or something if they wanted to eat mammoth jerky. That isn’t something you can just go one room over and do (unless you’re an unusually successful stone age tribal chieftain.)

But how to we keep from constant snacking in the modern era?

Proposal:

By simply making it more difficult to access the kitchen, we can prevent casual snacking at minimal cost. For less than the cost of a hundred cakes, a custom door can be fitted to one’s kitchen door.

Here, we will run through the options:

door-blank

Fig 2a: A very heavy kitchen door with an auto-closing mechanism (not pictured). This is the “base model” door with no bells or whistles. Since it is slightly annoying to open (and it closes automatically), it may discourage extremely casual snacking. But it can be improved upon, as seen in Fig 2b.

door-rotary

Fig 2b: This door has a nautical-style rotary opening mechanism, with a twist—in order to open the kitchen door, the kitchen-accessing individual must turn the handle one hundred times. This will give the person a good forearm workout and discourage unnecessary trips to the kitchen.

door-pull-up-bar

Fig 2c: As an alternative to the rotary opener, this pull-up bar door requires the user to perform at least 10 pull-ups before they can go into the kitchen. A door could also include both the rotary mechanism and the pull-up bar.

door-puzzle-from-the-witness

Fig 2d: Finally, this door features a complicated maze puzzle that the user must solve before it opens. Although this does not improve physical fitness, it still creates a mentally taxing obstacle to the delicious foods that reside in the kitchen. (This specific style of puzzle is from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Witness_(2016_video_game) )

Conclusion:

This is a low-cost method of encouraging healthy eating habits. Talk to your architect and/or interior designer about it today!

PROS: Improves physical fitness / mental acuity with minimal effort on the user’s part.

CONS: Since it is so difficult to access the fridge, an individual might take out a bunch of food at once, leave it unrefrigerated for a while, and then eat the spoiled food (which otherwise, in absence of this door, would have been properly refrigerated).

 

Show how classy your phone app is with REAL fake GOLD text! Gold everywhere = high class operation.

Background:

PayPal recently announced a new font that they are quite proud of, which, according to the designer (https://klim.co.nz/blog/paypal-sans-design-information/), features “understated elegance” and shows the confidence and foresight to buck the neo-grotesque groupthink of their Silicon Valley brethren.”

Fig 1: Left: PayPal’s new custom font. Right: this approximation in “Hiragino Sans” (a default Mac font) lacks the Skia-esque whimsy (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skia_(typeface)) of PayPal’s font.

Since this font is to be used in the PayPal phone app, it was designed “with special consideration for mobile devices.”

Proposal:

However, perhaps this font can still be improved.

To really convey a sense of “money” and “confidence,” a banking font can evoke the idea of gold. Everyone knows: gold = money, so this is a shortcut that brings trust and reliability to the forefront of the user’s mind.

The problem with making a gold-leaf font is that there isn’t just a specific shade of yellow-orange that you can make as a font and have it be “gold.”

Gold requires a specific kind of metallic reflection that can’t be faked with a single color.

gold-side

Fig 2: The “gold text” on this tilted smartphone just looks orange. That won’t do!

Luckily, we can fix this

  • Since this is on a phone, the accelerometers of the phone can be used to figure out how the phone is being held, and then a fake reflection can be generated on the metallic surface of the text.
  • The phone’s front-facing camera could even be used to detect light sources; then the gold could reflect light (and perhaps even the actual room the user is in!) in a convincing manner.

gold-tilt

Fig 3: Now that the phone’s accelerometer is being used, we can have a shiny specular highlight move across the text as the user tilts the phone (note the shine on the right side of this image). Instant gold!

Conclusion:

Only through the use of a gimmicky gold font can a bank (or other financial operation) prove that is a legitimate and venerable institution.

PROS: Brings gravitas to your online bank. And you don’t have to pay a custom font designer.

CONS: May dazzle users with its brilliance. Could induce epilepsy under unusual circumstances.

 

 

 

If you are a game designer, use this one weird tip to annoy your players—it’s for their own good.

Background:

Modern video games are, with a few notable exceptions, generally designed to minimize the amount of irritation and aggravation that the player experiences.

The issue:

However, one flip side to the general “smooth sailing” experience of gameplay is the lack of any “stake” of the user in the gameworld, which reduces the tension and (frequently) enjoyment as well.

Generally, any setback is extremely minor. Careless play leads to your character impacting the ground at 100 m/s? No problem—instantly respawn nearby, or load the previous save. Thus, there is no sense of danger associated with this form of escapist entertainment.

Proposal:

We can add back the sense of danger (and investment in the well-being of one’s video game avatar) by making the consequences of failure more dire. However, this is often difficult to reconcile with game design. For example, if a player walks onto a land mine after exploring a huge ruin, it seems excessive to make them re-explore the entire ruin. But with this proposal, the player can still be punished, yet without making them repeat content that they have already experienced.

Specifically, every time the player encounters a significant setback (i.e., crashes a racecar, gets exploded in a war game, fails to clear the viruses from the Dr. Mario bottle), they are faced with a timer that must count  down to 0 before the game can be restarted. Perhaps this would increase; the first failure within an hour would result in a 30 second penalty, then the second one would result in a 2-minute penalty, until finally perhaps the player has to wait a full hour to resume the game.

game-timer.png

Fig 1: The respawn timer increases as the player continues to meet their demise in a short period of time. This would probably work especially well for an open-world game like Fallout (or any other game that allows quick-saves), which otherwise have few feasible ways of punishing the player for setbacks.

PROS: Adds danger and excitement even to the most generic open-world game and/or game with generous save slots.

CONS: Probably would result in lots of whining on message boards.

Clawed beasts will rend your flesh unless you obey this one weird tip! Cats and homeowners hate it!

Background:

As you are no doubt aware, the humble housecat is one of the world’s most popular pets.

cat

Fig 1: A standard issue cat. This is the base model.

The issue:

Sometimes, a cat needs to be taken somewhere, and this typically requires a cat carrier. But most cats are hesitant to enter a cat carrier, and a cat-stewarding individual may have to resort to increasingly desperate measures in order to solve the cat-to-carrier conundrum.

cat-into-carrier-how

Fig 2: The cat needs to go into the cat carrier. BUT HOW?? This clawed feline has its own ideas about where it should be. Specifically: elsewhere.

Proposal:

Although it may be possible to disguise the cat carrier and somehow trick the cat into enter it, the most straightforward solution is to simply purchase a giant funnel and bolt it to the wall of a house (Fig 3). Then, the cat-loading procedure is straightforward, as seen in figure 3.

funnel

Fig 3: The process is simple: Once the cat carrier is in place below the funnel, we must simply 1) raise the cat to the lip of the funnel and drop it in. 2) gravity does the rest! Note: for especially fragile felines, a pillow may be placed on the side (bottom, in this orientation) of the carrier in order to soften the deceleration process. If the cat fails to slide down the funnel properly, one may apply olive oil or an industrial engine lubricant to the sides of the funnel to expedite the procedure.

PROS: Makes loading a cat into a cat carrier a straightforward and pleasant process.

CONS: Having an industrial-grease-covered cat in a cat carrier is actually a new problem of its own, which unfortunately we do not have the space to solve here.


Sponsored Tip (BELOW): One weird tip to reducing the number of annoying comments on your web site! Filter out comments by keyword using these three words, and watch your comment problems evaporate. (Tip is optimized for the English language, and may fail to detect many spam comments.)

one-weird-tip-to-removing-dumb-comments


 

 

 

 

Stop fighting over toilet paper roll orientation! Peace in our time.

Background:

There are two common orientations for toilet paper; “over” (sheet falls forward, away from the wall) and “under” (sheet falls backward, next to the wall).

tp-roll-methods

Fig 1: Two toilet paper roll orientations. Left: the proper “over” orientation, for civilized individuals. Right: the incorrect “under” orientation, favored by subhuman beasts who can barely be considered human, such is their depravity.

Issue and proposal:

Some individuals have strong opinions about toilet paper roll orientation. But in the interest of peace and harmony, here in Figure 2 is proposed a method that will cause both sides to be content.

tp-roll-swivel

Fig 2: The roll holder. Toilet paper roll goes onto the gold-colored section (at left). Instead of being fixed to the wall, the holder can pivot 180 degrees. Although in this diagram, the roll would slip right off the gold section, ingenious designers have figured out many mechanisms for affixing toilet paper rolls in this fashion (for example, a mushroom-shaped “cap” piece, or rounded pins that can be pressed in to add or remove a roll, but prevent it from sliding out under normal conditions).

P.S. While this image kind of looks like a duck face & beak (looking to the left) in thumbnail form, note that 1) the yellow part is NOT a duck beak, and 2) a duck cannot be ethically used as a paper roll holder.

tp-roll-pivot-sketch

Fig 3: Artist’s rendition of pivoting roll.

tp-roll-turn

Fig 4: A detailed examination of the pivoting process.

Conclusion:

It is actually baffling that this device is not a commonly seen item in “Skymall”-like catalogues of household oddities. “Pivoting toilet paper holder” sounds like it would be an online search term that would find such a thing, but somehow it did not!

PROS: Prevents strife due to toilet paper roll orientation disagreement.

CONS: Perhaps it is true that humans will fight the same amount no matter what their situation; maybe the lack of “release valve” strife due to toilet paper towel orientation will end up eventually causing a national bloodbath due to arguments over how to properly hold a fork instead.

 

Clean up old files on your computer easily with this ONE BIZARRE TRICK. Scholars of ancient languages hate it!

 

Background:

Over time, old files tend accumulate on one’s computer. However, cleaning out a computer is an annoying and time-consuming task.

In the past, storage increased at a rate such that old files could be safely ignored forever. But modern laptops may actually have less (although faster) storage than ones from five years ago. Now it’s important to be able to tell which files are old and which are not!

The proposal:

Here is an example of a normal file (Fig. 1):

file-2000s

Fig 1: A standard file, modified recently. Nothing remarkable about it!

We don’t really need to pay much attention to this file; we used it recently, and may want to use it again.

But an older file (which we should probably either archive or delete) could be called out by using an old computer font and icon, as seen in figure 2.

file-1980s

Fig 2: This older file is visually apparent, thanks to the classic font and pixelated icon.

file-magna-cartafile-greekfile-egypt

Fig 3: Even older files may be marked with different fonts, as seen above. The hieroglyphic font (of randomly-chosen hieroglyphs) could be reserved for the very oldest files on the system.

file-future

Fig 4: Finally, some files are accidentally set to a “future” modification time. Although this is currently impossible with our understanding of physics, these files nevertheless brazenly display a creation / modification date far in the future. We assume that robots will rule the earth in the far future, and thus have chosen a barcode font to represent the data for these files.

PROS: Accurately displays computer file age in easy-to-read visual form. Assists in freeing disk space.

CONS: Historical accuracy is questionable; hieroglyphs were not in widespread use during the early days of computing in the 1970s.

Your city can save millions of dollars a year by employing this one weird animal!

Background:

Modern buildings with large windows generally do not provide any way of opening the windows. This means that window washers are required and, additionally, that the window washers must work from the exterior of the building.

window-washer-snail-skyscraper

Fig 1: Window washing is a hazardous dangerous occupation that can be streamlined by making use of an ecologically-friendly natural and organic cage-free solution that already exists—the humble snail.

Proposal:

Specifically, we can use a terrestrial variant of the common aquarium snail to clean all the dirt and grime off a building.

All we need to do is:

  • Find a type of snail that can climb up glass (easy) and is air-breathing (easy)
  • Find a food source for this snail that will motivate it to climb all around the glass
  • Coat our skyscraper / other building with this substance. For example, if the snail likes to eat honey, then we would pour honey off the roof of the building until the skyscraper was covered in it (as the honey slowly drips down the building).
  • Finally, unleash the cleaning snails to clean off both the honey and any assorted window grime.

Conclusion:

This is an eco-friendly way of washing windows that does not use any harsh chemicals.

PROS: Reduces snail unemployment.

CONS: Increases human unemployment.