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Category: Diet

New fad diet that allows you to eat ANYTHING YOU WANT! But there’s a terrible price to be paid. Steel yourself against the most appalling horrors of existence before reading further.

Background:

Even the most un-choosy eater cares at least somewhat about the visual appearance of food. A food item that looks “off” somehow will trigger a natural aversion to spoiled food.

Proposal:

This aversion to bizarre looking food can be used to help people maintain a healthy diet!

The process is as follows: certain foods that are especially high in calories can be modified with food coloring to look completely disgusting.

So for example, we could have french fries that are dyed a dark purple, or a piece of white bread that has been dyed gray.

cheese-rice

Fig. 1: Food that looks “off” (maybe it’s the wrong color, or has a disgusting oily sheen to it) will be less likely to be immediately devoured without a thought.

 

hamburger

Fig. 2: Restaurants can also help out by modifying their food. Instead of a normal delicious-looking hamburger and fries, here we have a strange dyed monstrosity. Maybe more people will order a salad now. (In order to prevent the salad from being equally caloric, the dressing would have to be dyed as well.)

Conclusion:

This is the ultimate culinary tip for the discerning gourmet.

PROS: Extremely low-cost, helps deter over-eating.

CONS: Does not work in low-light conditions (for example, when ordering food at a movie theater).

Don’t let “BIG COFFEE” trick you into buying their overpriced coffeepots and carafes—use this one weird toothpaste tube trick to save time and promote a harmonious work environment and never unexpectedly run out of coffee again!

 

Background:

If you have a communal coffee carafe at work, you will undoubtedly have encountered the situation where someone poured the last cup of coffee and didn’t make a new pot.

With a standard coffeepot or carafe, there’s no possibility of getting “just one more cup” out of an empty container—it’s just empty.

But! There’s one thing that always seems like you can get one last use out of it, no matter what: a toothpaste tube.

Proposal:

The main issue: since it’s so easy to pour coffee out of the coffeepot, it’s easy to pour the last coffee and then walk away (Fig. 1).

regular

Fig. 1: A coffee carafe, like one you’d see in an office or at a hotel breakfast, can be operated by pressing the lever at (a), dispensing coffee out of the spout at (b).

To fix this, we simply need to make it more difficult to extract the last few cups of coffee. It if became progressively more difficult to get coffee from the communal container, then people could recognize that they were taking the very of it, and would (hopefully) be more likely to start a new pot of coffee.

The proposed container (Figure 2) is essentially a huge toothpaste tube in a support frame.

stand

Fig. 2: Instead of a traditional carafe or coffeepot, coffee can be placed into a squeezable toothpaste-tube-like bag that fits into a support frame. To dispense coffee, simply squeeze the bag!

Figure 3 shows the progression of the tube from a full state (left) to a nearly-empty state (right).

green3brown3

Fig. 3: Top row: illustration with a transparent liquid. Bottom row: extremely unappealing illustration with coffee. A full coffee container (leftmost column) would look similar to a 2-liter soda bottle. As coffee is squeezed out of the tube, the dispenser would gradually come to resemble the rightmost column.

Conclusion:

Don’t buy another regular coffee container for your workplace—this new dispenser is the way of the future.

PROS: Prevents you from being shocked and dismayed at your coworkers’ refusal to make more coffee.

CONS: The “squeeze to dispense” method will probably spray nearly-boiling coffee across the room on a regular basis.

sketch-carafe

Bonus Figure A: In the initial concept for this idea, the carafe lever would become more difficult to operate as the liquid level lowered, but the “toothpaste tube” idea was only metaphorical.

 

Seven deadly sins of dieting: save yourself from the deadly sin of GLUTTONY by making use of the deadly sin of SLOTH. Finally, two wrongs make a right. Plus, you’ll never believe these 7 adorable animals that made their way home after beating unbelievable odds.

The issue:

For most snack foods, it’s easy to eat a HUGE quantity of the food in question.

This is no surprise—snack foods were specifically designed to be easy to eat. Plus even after you’ve eaten a bunch, it takes a minute or two to feel full.

Proposal:

Here is a technique to eat fewer snacks that—amazingly—requires no self control whatsoever!

First, an observation: it’s easy to eat a large number of individually-wrapped tiny chocolates (Figure 1), but much more difficult to over-eat on an inconvenient food like the lobster in Figure 2.

choco-drop

Fig. 1: It’s incredibly easy to eat like a million of these chocolates.

lobster

Fig. 2: Foods that are more difficult to eat, like this boiled lobster, are generally not in danger of becoming an easily-devoured “casual snack” food.

Therefore, a solution presents itself: we can make snack foods extremely inconvenient to eat, as shown in Figure 3.

chocolate-kiss

Fig. 3: By repackaging the chocolate (eft) in a giant ball of thick foil that takes a whole minute to unwrap (right), we have saved the eater from the perils of casual snacking.

As an added bonus, this might allow the “serving size” on snack foods to be realistic (e.g., a box of Nabsico Oreos lists the serving size as only “3 cookies”—that might be accurate if each oreo came inside a hard carapace that you’d need to open with a lobster cracker).

Conclusion:

A short list of foods that come in both “easy” and “difficult” forms:

  • Easy: shelled peanut halves. Difficult: whole peanuts with the shell still on
  • Easy: pitted olives. Difficult: olives with a pit
  • Easy: crab cakes. Difficult: an actual crab with a shell
  • Easy: a hamburger. Difficult: a bull that you have to defeat in one-on-one combat as a matador, while thousands of Spaniards heckle you.

PROS: May reduce over-eating and increase general health and welfare.

CONS: Increases cost of food. May generate additional waste products and be less environmentally friendly.

Bonus suggested follow-up science experiment:

It would be interesting to see what the rate of calorie consumption is for:

  • Easy-to-eat shelled peanuts
    • vs.
  • More labor-intensive unshelled peanuts

That might be a good science fair project and/or low-impact-factor-journal publication, if it hasn’t already been done!

 

You’ll never eat an ice cream cone again after learning this horrifying secret! Also: the top 5 flavors of ice cream from your childhood that are NO LONGER made!

The issue:

Sometimes, when you’re eating an ice cream out of a cone, you will suffer the indignity of having the ice cream drip onto yourself and/or the ground (see Fig. 1).

This is especially likely to occur if you are less than five years old.

This can be avoided by diligently rotating the cone to check for drips, but this is a labor-intensive process that is ripe for disruption through advanced in robotics and computer vision.

rotation-of-cone

Fig. 1: The ice cream cone looks safe (left), but if you rotate it 180º, it is revealed that the ice cream is about to drip onto you (right).

Proposal:

A glove lined with rollers and a set of tiny cameras can automatically rotate the ice cream cone in such a way that you will always be eating the ice cream sectors that are most likely to drip.

The glove is diagramed in Figure 2.

glove

Fig. 2: A glove with two motorized rollers to actually rotate the ice cream cone (highlighted in red) and a number of additional free-spinning rollers to allow the ice cream cone to spin freely. Not shown here is the computer vision component, which be integrated into the glove as miniature low-resolution cameras on the top of the index finger and thumb (to provide a 360° view of the ice cream under standard gripping conditions).

glove-with-cone

Fig. 3: The recommended glove-and-cone configuration for optimal application of the “ice cream glove.”

PROS: Prevents ice cream from dripping on you while you eat it. Saves mental energy that can be focused onto other tasks, such as promoting world peace.

CONS: Equipment malfunction may cause the rollers to spin out of control, “centrifuging” the ice cream scoop and flinging it everywhere.

One weird mythological punishment for cannibalism, reborn as a dieting fad!

Background:

In an ancient Greek myth, King Tantalus was condemned to spend his time in the Underworld starving in a garden with a tree filled with fruit—however, any time Tantalus attempted to grab a fruit, the tree branch would bend just out of reach, preventing Tantalus from acquiring the delicious fruit.

(In case you are feeling sorry for him, the crime he committed was serving his own son as a dish at a cannibalistic dinner party.)

Presumably you have not done anything like this, but you can still benefit from the lessons of this myth to get in shape for swimsuit season!

The issue:

Extremely easy access to food is a relatively new historical phenomenon that has resulted in extremely high rates of obesity in industrialized nations.

Perhaps we can partially address this problem by re-imagining traditional ideas about food storage.

fridge

Fig 1: A standard Western kitchen. Food is within easy reach in the cupboards or fridge. Casual snacking is inescapable.

tree

Fig 2: The “Tantalus Tree” kitchen replaces all food storage areas with platters held up by movable tree arms. Additionally, the tree has a horrifying eyeball (center) that constantly tracks the user. This is a crucial element, since the food is normally stored within arms’s reach—the eyeball needs to figure out exactly where the user is, so that it can raise a branch and move the food beyond the user’s reach at the last second.

tree1_and_2_faces

Fig 3: If the user attempts to reach for a piece of food (blue hand at left), the tree whisks it out of their reach (right), causing the hungry kitchen-dweller to grasp uselessly at empty air. Woe! But good for burning calories. Perhaps the tree would eventually take pity on the user, given sufficient determination on the snacker’s part.

Conclusion:

Haul your fridge to the dump and remove all the cabinets from your kitchen immediately!

PROS: Inevitably become svelte and strong with all the jumping in the air you’ll have to do in order to reach enough food to survive.

CONS: It is unclear what it says about our society that an ancient punishment for cannibalism may now be considered a reasonable kitchen appliance.

Even the tiniest portion of food will feel satisfying when it looks like a huge meal! The one weird trick that cost-cutting dining establishments don’t want you to know!

TITLE: Even the tiniest portion of food will feel satisfying when it looks like a huge meal! The one weird trick that cost-cutting dining establishments don’t want you to know!

Background:

Food is delicious! Consequently, it’s too easy to eat too much of it.

If only there was some way to make a meal seem larger and more filling than it actually is…

Proposal:

The first part of the solution to this issue is straightforward, and has been with us since the days of Sherlock Holmes—use a magnifying lens (ideally placed in a fixed location on the table, in front of the individual who is dining) to make the food appear larger.

As unscientific speculation, this could:

  1. …encourage dining individuals to eat food in smaller bites…
  2. …which would reduce the speed of eating…
  3. …which would lead to the diner eventually feeling full and stopping eating after a reasonable portion has been consumed (rather than just wolfing down a meal before the stomach has time to react).

food-magnify

Fig 1: By magnifying this tiny hamburger (seen here with a U.S. quarter for scale), the hamburger-eating individual’s brain may be deceived into thinking the meal is much more filling than it actually is.

The key brain-deceiving component of this plan is the special utensils. If the user merely sees a magnified hamburger, but interacts with it with their normal-sized hands, they will immediately realize that it is actually a tiny hamburger.

But if the fork and knife are also tiny, they will appear normal-sized through the magnifying lens. Then the user must only take care not to observe the food as they move it outside of the magnified region (perhaps by being distracted by watching TV at the same time), and the illusion of normal-sized food is preserved.

food-magnify-utensils

Fig 2: Although the utensils (here: fork and knife) have normal-sized handles, the end of the utensil is 1/8 the size of normal, so it will appear the “correct” size through the magnifying lens.

Conclusion:

This is a great idea which will soon be seen in the fanciest restaurants as both a cost-cutting and health-promoting measure.

PROS: Allows food to be prepared more cheaply, since there will be less of it.

CONS: May lead to starvation if used injudiciously.

Exercise self-control and never wantonly snack again with this amazing new home design tip! Your kitchen will thank you.

Background:

When a fully-stocked kitchen is just one room away from you, it’s really easy to constantly snack at non-officially-sanctioned mealtimes.

The issue:

But the tyranny of prescribed mealtimes must be obeyed if one is to avoid eventually becoming completely spherical (due to being completely full of delicious snacks).

cake

Fig 1: A delicious snack in your kitchen. Devour it like a wild beast!!!!!!!

In ancient times, our ancestors had no trouble avoiding constantly eating delicious snacks, because 1) snacks did not exist and 2) they would have to kill a woolly mammoth or something if they wanted to eat mammoth jerky. That isn’t something you can just go one room over and do (unless you’re an unusually successful stone age tribal chieftain.)

But how to we keep from constant snacking in the modern era?

Proposal:

By simply making it more difficult to access the kitchen, we can prevent casual snacking at minimal cost. For less than the cost of a hundred cakes, a custom door can be fitted to one’s kitchen door.

Here, we will run through the options:

door-blank

Fig 2a: A very heavy kitchen door with an auto-closing mechanism (not pictured). This is the “base model” door with no bells or whistles. Since it is slightly annoying to open (and it closes automatically), it may discourage extremely casual snacking. But it can be improved upon, as seen in Fig 2b.

door-rotary

Fig 2b: This door has a nautical-style rotary opening mechanism, with a twist—in order to open the kitchen door, the kitchen-accessing individual must turn the handle one hundred times. This will give the person a good forearm workout and discourage unnecessary trips to the kitchen.

door-pull-up-bar

Fig 2c: As an alternative to the rotary opener, this pull-up bar door requires the user to perform at least 10 pull-ups before they can go into the kitchen. A door could also include both the rotary mechanism and the pull-up bar.

door-puzzle-from-the-witness

Fig 2d: Finally, this door features a complicated maze puzzle that the user must solve before it opens. Although this does not improve physical fitness, it still creates a mentally taxing obstacle to the delicious foods that reside in the kitchen. (This specific style of puzzle is from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Witness_(2016_video_game) )

Conclusion:

This is a low-cost method of encouraging healthy eating habits. Talk to your architect and/or interior designer about it today!

PROS: Improves physical fitness / mental acuity with minimal effort on the user’s part.

CONS: Since it is so difficult to access the fridge, an individual might take out a bunch of food at once, leave it unrefrigerated for a while, and then eat the spoiled food (which otherwise, in absence of this door, would have been properly refrigerated).