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Month: March, 2020

Make your dinners an ordeal of aggravation and regret! The new incredible trick to losing weight without even trying!

Background:

It has been demonstrated that people tend to over-eat in situations in which they can quickly consume a meal.

If a person has to consume a meal more slowly, they will (generally) realize that they are full and eat less.

The issue:

Unfortunately, in today’s decadent world, nearly every meal can be quickly devoured.

Proposal:

In order to reduce over-eating, we will borrow an idea that already exists for dog bowls. Specifically, certain “spiral dog food bowls” have a rim that curves all the way into the center of the bowl (Figure 1). This creates a raised edge that makes it harder for a dog to quickly wolf down the bowl’s contents—the spiral gets in the way.

Thus, the dog spends extra time and effort to get to the delicious food.

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Fig. 1: Top: dog bowls already exist in this spiral form factor. So why not adapt the same idea for humans? Bottom: the combination of chopsticks (instead of a spoon / fork / small shovel) and the strangely-shaped bowl should result in a meal that takes much longer to eat.

The spiral bowl above is a good start, but there’s really no limit to how intricate and annoying a dinner plate can become (Figure 2).

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Fig. 2: This extremely inconvenient multi-level plate has an arrangement of wire “fences” defending the food. This means that every bite of food requires navigating a dinner-themed wire labyrinth.

Conclusion:

Throw all your current dishes in the trash where they belong—upgrade to this new health-conscious system today!

Hypothetically, this might qualify for reimbursement through your medical insurance! Who knows!

PROS: Reduces over-eating, improves national health, and saves the health care system billions of dollars a year.

CONS: These strange plates would probably be difficult to load into a dishwasher.

With this new “dynamically uncomfortable” mattress technology, you’ll WANT to get out of bed in the morning! Become more productive and never have trouble waking up on time!

The issue:

Sometimes, it’s hard to get out of a comfy bed and face the cruel and merciless world.

Proposal:

We can solve this problem by making a bed that becomes progressively less comfortable as the desired wakeup time arrives.

Certain mattresses already have the ability to dynamically adjust their firmness (for example, the “Sleep Number” brand of air mattresses).

For this “progressively less comfortable mattress” system, we’ll need to go beyond just air mattresses: the bed will need an adjustable interior frame that can become jagged and angular (Figure 1), thus encouraging the bed’s occupant to get up.

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Fig. 1: Left: the mattress in its default “comfortable” state, where the springs all behave identically. Right: the mattress in “uncomfortable” mode, where a hydraulic mechanism stretches out some springs (shown in blue) and compresses others (shown in red) to make the mattress surface extremely lumpy and uncomfortable. As a result, it will be a relief to get out this horrendously uncomfortable bed even in the coldest and darkest of winter mornings.

The bed would also need an “alarm clock” function in order to cause the comfort level to be set by the time of day.

One could imagine also integrating other “smart health” functions and perhaps controlling the mattress settings via smartphone app (which will inevitably be discontinued within 2 years, leaving the whole system completely useless).

Conclusion:

This technology could also be implemented for futons, sofas, and other similar furniture.

So much effort has been expended on making sofas and beds more comfortable: perhaps it is time for more research to go into making them less comfortable. Really makes you think.

PROS: Increases productivity and makes it easier to be a “morning person.”

CONS: Might potentially stretch out the sheets in a weird fashion, causing them to fray more quickly.

Never have your country’s submarines detected again, with this incredible Loch Ness monster-based top secret project.

Background:

Modern submarines use a periscope-like electronic camera (a “photonics mast.”) to view the world above the waves.

The issue:

The problem is twofold:

  1. If an adversary spots a periscope, there isn’t much doubt as to what’s under the waves: it’s a submarine (Figure 1).
  2. Periscope designs are apparently specific to each nation, so just seeing a periscope can be sufficient for an observer to determine what kind of submarine is lurking in the area.
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Fig. 1: Technically, this periscope (left) could be a pipe or really weird fish, but realistically, any observer is going to know it’s a submarine (right).

Proposal:

Fortunately, we can easily disguise the periscope (Figure 2) to remove these problems.

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Fig. 2: Here, we see a proposed periscope disguise. A submarine-observer who noticed this above the waves would assume that they had seen a sea serpent or Loch Ness monster, not a submarine.

The disguised periscope is more likely to be reported as a new discovery in cryptozoology (Figure 3), rather than a submarine.

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Fig. 3: Expectation vs. reality. A submarine could carry multiple periscope disguises if needed; sea serpent, white whale, unusually ugly bird, marooned sailor adrift on a raft, etc.

Conclusion:

There is one added bonus to this system: under normal circumstances, a submarine is not aware that its periscope has been seen. However, in this new system, it is possible that the periscope-observer might post their findings online (“wow, I just saw a Loch Ness monster at these GPS coordinates!!!”), and the submarine could then check the Internet to see if “Loch Ness monster sighted” was trending online and/or had been posted on any cryptozoology enthusiast web sites.

(If they find a post about the Loch Ness monster at their current GPS coordinates, it obviously means that the submarine’s position is no longer secret.)

PROS: Pretty much all of them.

CONS: May slightly increase submarine drag, thus reducing fuel efficiency.

Use your sense of SMELL to diagnose computer errors: the new “smell checker” spell checker is a revolution in error notification!

Background:

In programming, there is the notion of “code smell”—a subtle indication that something is terribly wrong in a piece of source code, but without any (obvious) actual mistake.

For example, if you saw the following:

print("E");
print("RR");
print("OR");
print("!");

instead of

print("ERROR!");

that would be a good indication that something extremely bizarre was going on in a codebase.

The issue:

Unfortunately, in order to notice “code smell,” a person must actively review the source code in question.

Proposal:

But what if code smell could ACTUALLY generate a strange or horrible smell (Figure 1)? Then a person wouldn’t have to actively look for problems—the horrible smell of rotting meat would indicate that there was a problem in the codebase.

This smell-based notification method wouldn’t need to be restricted to programming errors, either: spell checking notifications, software updates, and other information could all be conveyed by smell.

 

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Fig. 1: This bizarrely-formatted source code might cause the laptop to emit a boiled-cabbage smell.

Details:

  • A computer could have an incense-burner-like attachment that would allow it to emit various smells.
  • For example, a spellchecking warning could emit the smell of recently-touched copper coins (Figure 2), while “you have 100 unread emails” could emit the smell of curdled milk.
  • This would allow a user to know what items require attention on their computer without even having to turn on the screen!
  • This smell-dispensing attachment could be refilled just like printer ink, making it extremely eco-friendly.
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Fig. 2: Different warnings and errors could have different smells of various degrees of noticeability and/or unpleasantness. Here, the user might know that they have both a spelling error AND a grammar error by the mix of the spelling-smell (dog that has spent one hour in the rain) and grammar-smell (recently-touched pennies).

PROS: Allows computer errors to be conveyed without requiring the user to actively look at a screen.

CONS: People get used to strange smells fairly quickly, so these smell-based warnings would need to be addressed quickly, before the user adjusted to the smell and stopped noticing it.

Worried that a new student or a new employee will not get enough help in learning the ropes of their new situation? This problem, and many others, can be solved by a giant egg.

Background:

In many situations, such as political debates, the first day at a new school, or the first day on a job, making a good first impression is extremely important.

The issue:

Unfortunately, it’s hard for a newcomer to reliably make a great first impression if other people aren’t already predisposed to like them.

Proposal:

Fortunately, the animal kingdom has provided us with a solution.

Recall, if you will, how people are almost universally predisposed to have warm feelings for a newly-hatched baby bird (Figure 1).

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Fig. 1: Humans, as a whole, are generally predisposed to nurture the baby bird in the image above, even though it is unlikely that it would make a good politician, classmate, or coworker.

The solution is incredibly obvious: a new student or employee should be introduced to their classmates / coworkers not in the standard fashion (e.g. “This is Zebulon, he’s the new network administrator”) but by hatching them out of a giant egg instead (Figure 2).

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Fig. 2: New employee onboarding would consist of everyone standing in a circle around a giant egg, out of which the new employee would emerge in birdlike fashion. This could be applied in various situations, for example: 1) introducing a new employee, 2) introducing a transfer student at a new school, or 3) inducting an elite military operative to a shadowy black ops squad.

Conclusion:

As a result of this new employee introduction process, everyone would be predisposed to help the newcomer feel welcome. This is definitely practical, and will almost certainly soon be adopted by schools, corporations, and governments.

PROS: Reduces friction in employee / student / etc. onboarding.

CONS: Requires storing a giant egg somewhere: this might be impractical in situations in which real-estate is at a premium (unless the egg is collapsable or deflatable somehow).