WorstPlans.com updates every Monday!

Your weekly source for terrible plans and ideas!

Month: August, 2016

Bonus Wednesday Plan: Sponsored Server Hosting NOW WITH “SPECIAL OFFERS.” Monetize your command line with integrated banner ads!

sponsor-command-line-1Help reduce the cost of running a server with SPECIAL OFFERS on your console / command line / anachronistic DOS prompt! Sponsored by GENERIC BRAND VIRUS_SCAN.exe . Command line banner ads are the future of paying for server time.


Advertisements will be unobtrusively inserted, as seen here.

Don’t skip these special offers—that would be THEFT AND STEALING and is extremely unethical and immoral, in addition to being contrary to the categorical imperative.

THE CITY GRINDER: The one relentless trick that will DRAMATICALLY CHANGE your property values! Read up before you buy property, or soon you will weep bitter tears of despair!


Modern cities face a number of issues due to old buildings. For example:

  • Housing that isn’t up to code
  • Abandoned buildings
  • Absentee owners who don’t maintain their property
  • Urban decay


Fortunately, with an amazing new idea, we can revitalize urban development and create guaranteed construction jobs.

Specifically, the proposal is as follows:

  1. Build an elevated circular track around City Hall (or some other centrally located building).
  2. Next, build an enormous miles-long spiked roller that rests on this track (Fig 1). The outer edge of this “city grinder” should reach to the farthest extent of the city.
  3. The city grinder will now make a slow revolution around the city, consuming everything in its path.


Fig 1: The “city grinder” is a giant spiked roller (left) that levels everything in its path. It is mounted on an elevated circular track that is centered on city hall (right; the building with a yellow roof). In this example, the roller is traveling counter-clockwise (see arrow). Not shown: the roller should actually be rotating quickly in order to grind the buildings it encounters.

The actual time required for a full rotation could be set based on the circumstances of the specific city. Perhaps 100 years for a full rotation would be reasonable.

Although this idea may seem unorthodox, it isn’t without precedent: some places have 99-year leases or even 999-year leases instead of permanent ownership.

Thus, the “city grinder” is just a strong formalization of the 99 year lease—except a property won’t just revert to government ownership after 99 years, but instead will be ground into dust.


Fig 2: An example of city grinder transit over a 100 year period (as indicated by the numbers; note that the grinder is in the top-right corner of the map in both 1900 and 2000). The star indicates the city hall (or other “center” location). At 100 years for a complete revolution, the city grinder will only need to cut through 3.6 degrees of the city per year. For a circular city that is 10 miles across, the outermost (fastest) point on the city grinder would be traveling at a mere 4.5 feet per day (or 1.4 meters / day). (City circumference = π × 10 miles = 31.4 miles. 31.4 miles / 100 years = 4.5 feet per day).

The only remaining logistical question is: how does traffic pass through the region being ground up? Luckily, this can be easily solved by breaking up the roller into many independent-operating sections that can be elevated. So only a small portion of the city grinder would be blocking traffic at a given time, and this segment could easily be driven around. This wouldn’t be any more difficult than dealing with railroad crossings, which all cities already handle.

PROS: Prevents accumulation of obsolete and decaying buildings in a city. Improves urban beautification. Architects and construction workers will have guaranteed employment.

CONS: The roller may be expensive to operate and maintain.

Get exercise without meaning to while playing video games? The impossibly decadent dream of a depraved era.


There have been a number of historical attempts to bring exercise and video games together.

However, these have mostly required additional attachments and/or gimmicky peripherals in order to function.

But improved computer vision algorithms (plus the widespread availability of inexpensive cameras on laptops, televisions, and monitors) mean that it is now possible for the computer to monitor you and require certain exercises to be performed before some in-game actions can be taken.


This isn’t an entirely novel proposal—the “exercise bike / treadmill that makes your in-game character walk” is a staple of fitness-based modding.

The main difference here is that no equipment is required (except for a computer and camera). The user simply installs the game as usual and then is periodically requested to perform various types of exercise in order to advance in the game, which is then verified by the camera in order to discourage cheaters (Fig. 1).

(If we can trust the player not to cheat, then the camera would not actually be necessary.)


Fig 1: The all-seeing computer eye will require you to do various exercises in order to progress in the game. (This could also potentially use the technology behind the Microsoft Kinect .) The red outline here simulates the computer’s interpretation of the player’s outline. It isn’t melting the player with a red laser or anything, even though that is probably a better interpretation of this specific image.

There are a limited number of exercises that would fit the bill for a setup like this, but it should be possible to think of a wide enough range of options to satisfy any gamer.


Fig 2: Want to activate a “where to go next” marker for the mission that you can’t figure out? The computer will demand 20 jumping jacks before it forks over that information.

The exact amount of required exercise would be tailored to the fitness level of the game-player in question. It would generally be preferable to err on the side of “too easy” so as to avoid discouragement and/or heart attacks among players.

Additional examples:

  • “Fast-travel” between locations: do 10 lunges to simulate the effect of walking.
  • Respawn after being blown up: do 10 sit-ups to simulate the resurrection process.
  • Upgrade your laser rifle: do 10 pushups to simulate the effort of disassembling your weapon.
  • Recharge your magic spells: hold yourself in a “plank” position for 30 seconds to simulate the focus required for wizard-ness.
  • And many more!


If you own a game company, or are a publisher, you should demand this in your next game!

PROS: Increases the fitness level of decadent citizens of post-industrial economies.

CONS: Might cause personal injury.

Leave a note even if you don’t have a pen! This tip will shock you when you realize that it does not even require HUMAN BLOOD!

The issue:

Sometimes you want to leave a very short note, but you don’t have a pen handy. Normally, you’d be out of luck, but with this amazing trick, you can leave a note with a page from any magazine or piece of paper you happen to have lying around!


First, learn morse code (Fig 1).

Next, find a piece of paper (Fig 2).

Tear the paper as described in figure 2.


Fig 1: Morse code lets you represent a letter (in this case, “X”) as a sequence of dashes and dots.


Fig 2: Get a piece of paper and tear it according to Morse code specifications (where a long tear is a DASH and a short tear is a DOT). So to leave the letter “X” (– · · –), you would tear the paper as follows: “long tear, short tear, short tear, long tear.”


Fig 3: Here, 7 letters have been torn into the piece of paper. Each torn section corresponds to one of the dot / dash annotations in black.


Fig 4: If we decode the Morse code at left, we will discover that the note says OCTOPUS. How extremely useful! Glad we wrote that down.


You should try this out! It’s slightly less inconvenient than it sounds like it would be.

PROS: Lets you easily leave a note even under adverse lack-of-writing-implements conditions.

CONS: Requires you to remember Morse code. Difficult to leave more than about 20 letters worth of information on a standard sheet of paper.

Protect your car from car thieves with this ONE WEIRD TIP from a banker! Upholstery cleaners love it!



Bank robbers have occasionally been foiled by dye packs, which can be placed into a bag of stolen cash and then detonated as the robbers make their escape. The dye sprays out everywhere and contaminates the stolen money, making it valueless.



Fig 1: The bag of cartoon money (top left) is rendered worthless by a dye pack that stains all the money into un-usability.


What if we could apply this same technology to deter car thieves?

Basically, instead of just a regular dome light, a car would have a dome light plus a set of dye-spraying nozzles that could spray a permanent ink all over the car interior (coating both the occupants and the seats).

There are several possible variants for how this would be deployed:

  1. Most expensive: the car could have a theft-tracking device that would allow the car’s lawful owner to remotely deploy the dye pack with a pre-configured password (hopefully not 0000). This would probably require a subscription service, so it could be expensive (and if you were willing to pay a monthly fee, you should probably just get a regular theft-tracking service).
  2. Slightly less expensive: the car could have a Wi-Fi antenna, and it would automatically connect to public wireless hotspots that happened to be driven by. The car would check a specific web site to see if it had been reported as stolen, and deploy the dye pack in this situation. This would not necessarily require a subscription service, but would probably be hilariously prone to hacking.
  3. Self-contained solution with no network connectivity required: whenever you start the car, an alarm beeps for 60 seconds (similar to a home alarm), indicating that you need to input a “disable alarm” code before you start driving. If the car is in motion AND the alarm code has not been accepted, the dye pack will spray dye everywhere. Does not require a data plan or other subscription service!

The dye pack deployment may need to be restricted to times when the car is completely stopped, so that it doesn’t cause a deadly hazard to other drivers if it deploys while on the highway.


PROS: Substantially reduces plausible deniability of receiving a stolen car. While a normal stolen car might seem like a legitimate purchase, an obviously-covered-in-ink one probably would not be.

CONS: Option #3 (above) would be the bane of all valet parkers.